Posted in Bandora

Not “Trying” for a Girl

I regularly get asked “Are you trying/going to try for the girl?” I always answer no, in the “we are not trying right now but I don’t know what the future will bring” way. As my kids get older I feared that the baby fever would strike and get worse but I am actually finding it to get better. I don’t feel incomplete for not having a girl and I don’t like the idea of having more kids than I have hands.

My main reason for not trying to conceive is that my husband hasn’t indicated that he wants more and I am not going to make the choice for him. Before Zen was conceived he had mentioned 3 kids but after Zen was born I tried to test the waters a couple of times just to see if he still felt the same so I would have an idea what to expect but he evaded the subject so I took that as a no.

Additionally, kids are expensive. While we are not rich, we like to have certain luxuries like taking Disney vacations which becomes more expensive with each child.

Also, I never wanted a big family (heck, for most of my life I didn’t want ANY kids) and while I love motherhood, my body sucks at pregnancy and birth. I actually fear getting pregnant again because I am afraid of dying (nothing like having a complication during birth where you overhear a medical provider mention “crash cart” to put you face to face with your mortality). Call me selfish but I’d rather be the happy mother of 2 than risk having 3 orphans with a single father.

The fact I have noticed a trend of increased miscarriages, congenital defects and stillbirths among not only friends and acquaintances but my clients at work and well… I have never been much of a gambler but don’t like the look of the odds when so many different things could go wrong, I feel like I got lucky twice and don’t want to push that luck. This may sound pessimistic but I like to be a realist when it comes to life changing decisions.

This week, my stance has evolved from “fear of what could happen” to “I am happy with what I have”.  As Zen goes deeper into toddler-hood I find that I don’t miss having a baby as much as I thought I would, I get my baby fix helping other people’s babies breastfeed and then they take them home and I am happy. I am really enjoying watching my kids’ development and new milestones and I don’t want to be distracted from that by the demands of an infant.

The other day I was thrilled because we went on a nature walk and I was able to hold hands with my husband. That was a big deal to me! We hadn’t been able to do that for years because we were usually pushing a stroller, pulling a wagon or holding a little hand. I had missed something so simple so much!

While I can’t say that circumstances may change. As of right now I can declare that I am done having kids and I am happy with it.



Posted in Bandora, Random

The Sad State of the Internet Debate

When I was younger I used to love to debate. In elementary school I used to debate adults about current topics just for fun. In high school I was in the debate club and was President of the Model United Nations club which centered around… debating. I even traveled internationally for UN Simulations and debate competitions where I would always win an award or at least an honorable mention. In college my declared major was International Relation and Political Science because there was a lot of debate in them. I used to get such an intellectual rush!

Then I left college and my career detours took me first into numbers and computers and later into counseling, not professions that really include debating. During that time something changed…. debate comic

I want to say that I grew up but that doesn’t seem to accurately describe how I feel. It feels more like almost everybody that I have debated with within the past few years just never grew up or reverted to childish behaviors. Even when excluding the obvious Internet trolls it seems like most people just don’t know how to have an intelligent debate anymore. I have a hard time calling these discussions debates because the conversation quickly devolves into insults and name calling that lead to ruffled feathers and hurting butts. Whatever happened to agreeing to disagree?

My point for debating was to learn why the other person felt strongly about their opinion while I had the opportunity to also share why I felt strongly about mine, in a civilized manner.  I used to learn so much about the opposing viewpoint just by having a nice debate on the subject but lately all I learn is that the person acts like an @$$hole when upset and doesn’t even know the facts behind the position that they should be defending but instead are on the offensive trying to shove down my throat.

duty_calls internet

I take pride in a lot of my “non mainstream” ideologies, almost all of them are very controversial and it never bothered me before. Now while I still stand firm on my beliefs, I can’t say that I am as “out and proud” anymore and I’m evolving into a “none of your business approach” simply because what nowadays passes for debate is nothing more than exhausting back and forth where nobody wins and everybody ends up upset.

So don’t think that I’ve gone mainstream, I am simply staying quiet and conserving my energy to redirect it to more productive pursuits such as loving and caring for my children. Maybe when the rest of the Internet grows up I’ll rejoin the conversations.

Posted in Parenting


There were moments when I thought that this day wouldn’t come, after much frustration, tears (mostly on my part) and giving up several times, I finally feel like I accomplished something and overcome one of the biggest hurdles that I’ve encountered as a mother.

There are only 2 things I really hate about parenting and they are finding affordable and reliable childcare and potty training. Today marks Shammy’s 7th day being accident free. His cloth diapers are stored away, my diaper laundry has been cut in half, the diaper bag is lighter and I feel like angels are singing.

Now if I could only find the right babysitter or daycare that won’t charge more than what I make my life would be complete.